Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Randomize
