you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
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I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
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Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
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