Umm I'm too high to move.
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
try to milk me bitch
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
