My sheets look like a crime scene.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
