Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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