Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
