okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
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I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
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My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
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