She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
But theres a keg here and me gusta
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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