So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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