An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Randomize
