I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
