I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
