you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
