Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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