Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
