I wish I could punch you in the face.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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