but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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