I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
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