theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
