my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
