I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
