dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
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I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
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eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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