u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
