nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
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