why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
