At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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