dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Randomize
