You can't special order awesome
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
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