i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
