is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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