Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Randomize
