He is such a slut. More and more my type.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
