So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
