The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
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