Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Randomize
