I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
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