evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
