Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
did i walk over a car last night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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