Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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