Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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