OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
