I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
