I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Randomize