dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
be right there i have to get my cape
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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