I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
