I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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