how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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