I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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