i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
