just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Can you bring me the toilet please
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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