dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
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