I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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