oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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