Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Randomize
