shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Drake has all the answers
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
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