I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
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A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
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Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
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