paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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