please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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